There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
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Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Sorry I poked you all over your body, but I was just looking for the off button.
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.