mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
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We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
trump is putting everyone who works at goldman sachs in the government so that there’s no one left to run GS and they go out of business
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter