Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

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i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.


Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan


Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.


Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.


[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.


I bought a volumizer shampoo to make my hair look thicker, but all it did was create a poofy edge around my bald spot like a fairy ring in the lawn.


smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe


She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.


My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.