@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

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@myqkaplan

i’ve defeated every escape room there is by not entering any of them.

@colleen_eileen

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

@JohnLyonTweets

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

@L8yK8y

Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.

Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.

@BoomBoomBetty

[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]

I guess it’s time to shave for summer.

@realHamOnWry

I bought a volumizer shampoo to make my hair look thicker, but all it did was create a poofy edge around my bald spot like a fairy ring in the lawn.

@FredTaming

smokey robinson: tears of a clown

witch: where did you get this recipe

@RunOldMan

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

@toujours_fab

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.