@JimmySelfDest

Mother in law found me… On the twitter

This will be converted into a pineapple upside down cake blog for the next 72 hours.

I’m so sorry

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@KBChicken75

Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.

@Petote

Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….

It means we used to be.

@Chhapiness

My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving

Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?

@Sickayduh

DOCTOR: *stethoscope on my back* Gimme a very slow exhale.

ME: EXXXXHHHHHHAAAALLLLLE

@StellaGMaddox

My daughter wrote, “I will see you every day of our lives,” on my Mother’s Day card, so I guess we’ve resorted to threats now.

@girl_a_whirl

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

@Home_Halfway

How about a new eco-friendly car that is powered only by uncomfortable conversation

@david8hughes

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

@SteveKoehler22

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.