Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
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If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Duolingo getting serious.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
Don’t frighten the programmers!
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
So, can we agree on 4 or
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*