Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

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STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him “Admiral Snackbar”


I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.


milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw


The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.


saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-culturally poignant


I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…


“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.


If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.


GENIE: you have 3 wishes
ME: i wish for one more wish
G: um…ok…your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes
M: aweso- wait, what