@withanewname

Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?

Me: I’m…

Wife: … no

Me: a…

Wife: … don’t

Me: *stares at wife* master baster!

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@KenJennings

STAR WARS SPOILERS Admiral Ackbar has gained quite a bit of weight and everyone calls him “Admiral Snackbar”

@MauriceBlitz

I want to invent a nap time machine, which is a time machine that takes you to times you could’ve napped and didn’t.

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

@Ideal_Victoria

The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.

@sarahlostctrl

saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody cares

saying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying I’m a great dad, I’m just saying it’s a holiday weekend and I’m wearing cargo shorts with a Hawaiian shirt…

@on_the_fritz_17

“Head, shoulders, knees, and toes” is beautiful to hear in a children’s classroom – but not at the site of a plane crash.

@AndrewNadeau0

If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.

@hippieswordfish

GENIE: you have 3 wishes
ME: i wish for one more wish
G: um…ok…your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes
M: aweso- wait, what