mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
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You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
I just learned that Howler monkeys urinate on their hands and feet to find their way back home, and yet it still sounds more comfortable and effective than Apple maps
3% human
97% stress
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
Meanwhile in Canada…
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂