mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*

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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]

DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole


[hole opens in the ground]


I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.

Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.



me: is $5,000 enough?

stacy: you moron it’s bride not bribe


When I see my cat watching out the window, fascinated, I sit beside her and say, ‘Look, Simba. Everything the light touches is our kingdom.’


Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.


Parenting log, day 560:

The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.


Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.


God all I want is a chance to prove that winning the lottery won’t change me.


Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!


Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself