Good news: I learned how to build a fire.
Bad news: I need a new toaster oven.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
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If there was a problem, yo, I caused it.
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
I’ll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed
“I am your Father”
Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]