Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
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at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
My 10 year-old nephew is learning about Argentina, so I told him about all the great wines they make down there, and this, my friends, is how you get out of after-school pickups.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
I miss getting my misinformation from less places