Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
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I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
I’d … I’d rather not.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.