*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
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even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
People buying plungers never look happy.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
damn he’s good
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera