Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
You Might Also Like
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Kids threaten us with things like, “I’ll just go to my room forever,” and then we let them think we don’t like it
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
Think I will donate my body to science so they can all stand over my cadaver and wonder how
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
*pokes sex life with a stick
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”