@Darlainky

Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”

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@AimeeHelene1

Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*

Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*

@envydatropic

WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?

Me watching recorded TV shows

@LawrWard

Disney are remaking Home Alone. This is a petition for them to re-cast 38 year old Macauley Culkin as 9 year old Kevin McCallister and have nobody in the film acknowledge it.

@AmishPornStar1

Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…

As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[first day as marriage counselor]

HER: we’re trying to have a baby

ME: ok I’ll step outside

@SortaBad

*hears a man crying in a bathroom stall at work*
“Excuse me, are you okay? Because you’re kinda stealing my thing”

@Brianhopecomedy

I want to be important enough to receive a phone call, say one word, hang up and having the end result being something blown up.

@weinerdog4life

I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons

@BatBatshitcrazy

I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.

@AudreyPorne

to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂

to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂