Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
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Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I Saw someone say Florida upside down look like the grinch and after i flipped my Phone i’m mad i can’t unsee it😭😭😭
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
my boss just walked in on me ripping a piece of paper in half with the word “Boss” written on it
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.