Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
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Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
every year on my birthday i take a bite out of this windowsill bc i get so excited
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”