i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
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My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
Happy thanksgiving!
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
Life hack
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.