mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
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Me too door. Me too.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Grammar: The difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
My family crest is just a picture of my grandfather dressed up as a giant hotdog being dragged into a cave by a bear.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
If somebody at a party tells you they’re a writer, get excited, hold up the nearest book, and ask, wide-eyed, “DID YOU WRITE THIS?”
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.