Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
You Might Also Like
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..
#CancelDJDarrellRipley
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
“Kids today have it so easy.” You know what? I’ll let old people have that.
When they were kids, pediatricians smoked cigarettes during appointments and lead paint was practically a beverage.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!