Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
You Might Also Like
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.