Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
*gets a snack*
*turns on tv*
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.
God: then you become a butterfly
Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly
God: yeah lol the “rest”
Caterpillar: how long
Caterpillar: how long God