@Parkerlawyer

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

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@TweetPotato314

Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?

Date: actually, I love graveyards

Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?

@greg_vee

If intelligence runs in your family, I can only guess it tripped and fell before it got to you.

@skankymunter

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.

@TheCatWhisprer

The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.

@sophielou

Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh

@J0hnnyBlaze

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

@reputathebeauta

If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.

@tchrquotes

[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.

@sammyrhodes

Sometimes I get mad about having to unload the dishwasher but then I remember a machine just washed my dishes for me.

@rudy_mustang

God: then you become a butterfly

Caterpillar: wow. the rest of my life as a butterfly

God: yeah lol the “rest”

Caterpillar: how long

God:

Caterpillar: how long God