@Parkerlawyer

Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.

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@monst1ace

Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol

@UnFitz

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

@simoncholland

The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.

@djdarrellripley

Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…

@5hael

I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!

It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.

@HatfieldAnne

Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?

@attheUC

Relationship status:

-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.

@CalmTomb

If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.

@gmossii

My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.

@Dawn_M_

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”