Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
Right now, someone likes something you don’t and other people are agreeing. You just gonna sit there and let that happen?
-Applies sunscreen to wall.
-Rubs back on wall.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”