Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
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*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
*Looking through binoculars
Awww, it looks like she forgot her password. I should remind her what it is.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
prepare for carbonated trouble
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Good morning!