[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

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My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.


It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.


If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.


Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*


*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…


Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.


[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it


Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?


Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.