My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
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It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
*aliens land in America*
Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!
Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*