@WhaJoTalkinBout

[mothers day]

Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.

Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.

You Might Also Like

@BunAndLeggings

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

@linanneblack

It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.

@warhorse76

If she runs away I will pursue her. But since she possesses superior footspeed and cardio I may have to borrow someone’s bicycle.

@beefman138

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

@AmishPornStar1

*aliens land in America*

Alien Captain: Take me to your leader!

Me: *heavy sigh* Listen, Bro…this is kind of embarrassing, but…

@RodLacroix

Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.

@_ElvishPresley_

[Horsemen tryouts]

APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4

*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*

STEVE: dang it

@HenpeckedHal

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

@Freudianscript

Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.