I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom
Why do they even asks such dumb questions?
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[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
a co-worker asked me if I was pregnant and I panicked and said yes so now I have to gradually gain like 30 pounds
Doctor: “I have never seen this before: You have no bones!”
Me: “Really? Could the x-ray be broken?”
Doctor: “Ignore what I just said.”
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
I want a girl with a short fuse and a straitjacket.