Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
if you count cows instead of sheep to try and fall asleep it’s probably pasture bedtime (i’m so sorry)
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*