Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: MomWhy do they even asks such dumb questions?
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Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My dad.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Super Hand Dog Face
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car