
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: umβ¦
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]
Me: discrimination