I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.
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Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me trying to sword fight all the customers at Toys R Us]