@DepecheALAmode

Moths are really just butterflies on meth, all angry and shit while head-butting light bulbs and biting holes in your favorite shirt.

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@FeverFlave

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

@BuckyIsotope

Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.

@idkkiana

This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan

@roxiqt

If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.

@ilovepie84

When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

@RobDenBleyker

Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.

@Bob_Janke

An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google

@StarrsWar

No officer I didn’t mean to run him over. Yes I saw him but I thought he was my ex, and clearly he is not my ex.

@JohnLyonTweets

Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.

@TweetPotato314

me: *responds maybe to a fb event*

wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY