Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
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The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
Siri, fight Alexa.
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper