@causticbob

mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!

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@Mindless4Miles

I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.

@markpopham

one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays

@richkidelii

Nobody decline a call faster then a 3 year old watching YouTube

@DrakeGatsby

Waiter: How is everything?

Me: This is a salad

Waiter: Yes

Me: I ordered spaghetti

Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude

@Home_Halfway

{Bear walks up to me}
ME: Plays dead
BEAR: Get up, I just want to talk. Who are you voting for in the election
ME: Ugh, a poller bear

@justabloodygame

*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“Hey”
Hello!
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?

@RoosterMustache

[with my pet bird at the park]

Hot girl: omg ur duck is so cute

Me: *covering mr quackers ears* he’s a mallard u idiot get away from me

@Darlainky

I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.

@Jake_Vig

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.