mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
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Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
ME: *using a ouija board* Are there any spirits here?
OUIJA BOARD: No.
ME: I don’t believe you.
OUIJA BOARD: That seems like a you problem.
everyone has that one prude friend
i think both sides are to blame here
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
motivation
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!