“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
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me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
My sister told me a guy dressed as Michael Myers for a 3k today. Slow walked the entire time and finished dead last.
There are few things I respect more than full commitment to the bit.
best review i’ve ever seen
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
“delete your account” and what, leave my children NOTHING
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
me refusing to leave twitter
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
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