I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
You Might Also Like
I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell