Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to

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I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…


I bought a blowup doll today, but I won’t blow her up until tomorrow. I don’t want to seem desperate.


my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?


Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.


Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.


“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”

“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”

“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”


*brings whipped cream to bed*

Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?

Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?


I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.


With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.


the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell