Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Proctology is located in A55
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.