“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
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*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Stephen King ruined corn children for me
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
[sees old lady drop $20]
Devil on Shoulder: Grab her cash!
Devil on other Shoulder: And push her over!
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single