[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
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I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.
Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…