“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
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God gives everyone a hot cousin to test us.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Oh no Facebook user numbers are down for the first time ever. At this difficult time our thoughts are obviously with Mark Zuckerberg. Those thoughts are:
1. Ha
2. Ha
3. Ha
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
I’m just playing devils avocado here
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.
Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Caught my son on an archaeology website looking at dirty pitchers.