@ABC7

Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

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@Sarcasticsapien

Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.

@originalgriz

Trump taking credit for Obama’s economy is like someone inheriting millions from his dad and bragging about what a smart businessman he is.

@topaz_kell

“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s

@Mindless4Miles

Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.

@kpcuk

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

@envydatropic

I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.

@TheRealPalMal

Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.

@cavaticat

ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream

@cravin4

Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.