Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.

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Rejecting someone by saying “you deserve someone better” is a fun way to let a person know you’d rather insult yourself than to date them.


Trump taking credit for Obama’s economy is like someone inheriting millions from his dad and bragging about what a smart businessman he is.


“…and use only your finest microwaves.”

– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s


Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.


There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours


I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.


Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.


ah yes, the Supreme Court

a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream


Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.