Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
at library
ME: This book wasn’t helpful at all!
LIBRARIAN: Why? What’s the problem?
BIRD: [mockingly] “Why? What’s the problem?”
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.