*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
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I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
4: Mom can I have a snack?
Me: Yeah hang on
4: Did you mean yes?
Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 馃槀馃槀
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
I can鈥檛 explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
No one girl should have all that power. 馃槀
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
[trial in gotham]
lawyer: please state your name for the court
bruce wayne: batman
lawyer:
judge:
jury:
bruce wayne: wait shit no
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u