Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
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CUTE CAT‼︎
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Luckily my rib cage protects my heart better than my head does.
The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
Me: What the hell do you want?
Him: Um, YOU called ME.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Nobody does “I’m walking back inside the house but as slowly as possible to indicate I’m not happy about it” like a dog.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.