I just opened an Easy Bake Oven restaurant.
Please call your order in, 17 hours prior to your arrival.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
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Every woman is wrong until she starts crying… Then she’s right.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Before I really understood sarcasm people would say things like “oh, well look who it is” and I’d be like “it’s me Karen, I’m your daughter”
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
I’m going to walk up to strangers and ask “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes, I will hand them a photo of me and walk away.