@therepoguy

Moves shopping cart to allow car to park

Lady doesn’t even say thanks

Puts cart back behind her car

Leaves.

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@better_off_dad

You never get a second chance to make a first impression…

…and so I bite.

@mack44_d

Sometimes you need to hug someone out…

…cold.

@_Water_Baby

*Tinkerbell sprinkling pixie dust*

Remember Peter, give me a call if it last longer than 4 hours.

@HairyJew4Life

Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?

Me: I’d say my biggest weakness is listening.

@JawnClimax

{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshake

Exterminator: there’s your problem

@moose_chocolate

Before you move to Canada after Trump gets elected, just know that it’s May 13th and it’s currently snowing here.

@SteveKoehler22

( spelling bee )

Your word is “passive-aggressive”

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.

@dorsalstream

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.

PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.