[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
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I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
I’m waiting to board my flight at the airport and I just saw a woman finish her book, stand up and angrily throw it in the bin.
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.