Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
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OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Wordle 241 1/6
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
Finally figured out how to correctly play this game!
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
if I order fries, they are for me
if he orders fries, they are for me
if the next table orders fries and they’re not looking, they are for me
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
1 kid: Makes you a mom.
2 kids: Makes you a maid.
3 kids: Makes you a manager.
4 (or more) kids: Makes you a magical freaking unicorn.
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
estão todos miauvindo?
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained
Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you
Me: like I said, it’s trained
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.