2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
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I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
unbelievably distressed by this ad
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
Honesty is a bit of a red flag for me. Like woah! What are you not trying to hide?!
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”