I finally feel peaceful and my mind is quiet.
Universe: Have her ex from 15 years ago contact her out of the blue and apologize for things she’d forgotten.
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Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early
British websites use biscuits.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.– looking for shells on the north pole beach
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
If Twitter has done nothing else, it’s trained me to spell words like diarrhea, gonorrhea & chlamydia without spell check.
friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming