Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.
You Might Also Like
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
[hotel room]
Her: why are you making the bed
Me: I can’t have housekeeping thinking we’re slobs, Karen
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
just left a huge legacy in there
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”