Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
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Save money on Christmas presents by telling the kids that Santa’s got to work from home this year
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”
Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Bruh PLEASE
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
What the hell did you order?
– me when the drive thru line isn’t moving
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.