Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
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Sorry I yelled ‘killin’ it’ when your mom was eating that banana
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
If a dude is wearing cowboy clothes, is he ranch dressing?
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.
friend: how’d you learn to speak dolphin?
me: with ease