@DrakeGatsby

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

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@fro_vo

Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural

@thenatewolf

*on a first date*

Me: [remembering how my friend said women like mysterious men] my favorite color is a secret

@Momtoteens

Daughter just told me my hair looks good. The request for a ride will be coming in less than 10 minutes.

@dorsalstream

[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.

@TheWinegasm

You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.

@MelvinofYork

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

@thetits

Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes

If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily

@bigTman001

Cop: You know why I pulled you over sir?

Me: Because you suck at finding rapists, murders, molesters, thieves, and arsonists?

@iwearaonesie

toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else

@abbycohenwl

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right