Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
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After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
2035: EVERY CELEBRITY HAS EXPRESSED AN AWFUL OPINION. THE ONLY ENTERTAINMENT IS A SMALL CAT…UNTIL ONE DAY, IT CLEARLY MEOWS “HITLER”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.