@DrakeGatsby

Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

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@BruceForce

Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!

@blade_funner

My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.

@funflaps

[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?

@TheBoydP

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.

@sofarrsogud

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

@ShoutingGoddess

Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.