Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?

Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey

Exec: I dont think that works

Writer: Se-seven Monkeys

Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-

Writer: TWELVE monkeys

Exec: Now.. hold on a second.

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Hate it when a mum automatically assumes their baby is hungry when they cry. Maybe they’re crying for a stable economy. YOU DON’T KNOW!


My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.


[weapons store]

ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?


Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.


3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?


Psst. Don’t refer to them as voices in your head. Do as the professionals and call them your ‘team of writers’.