Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
You Might Also Like
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
All. The. Damn. Time.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
*at the pond*
“hon—there’s something i need to ask you”*emotional* yes?
*blows duck call*
*ducks on water arrange to spell out ‘TACOS?’*
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids