@TrainedHedonist

Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.

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@Mr_Kapowski

Me: (talking to anyone)

Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!

@boring_as_heck

The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”

@emmaberen

with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen

@cravin4

Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.

*correctly programs VCR*

@iGreenMonk

Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.

@DirtMcTurd

I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me

@THEDUTHCHESS

Day 1 of being kidnapped.

Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.

Husband is asking for more money.

@iamspacegirl

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

@trevso_electric

“If I write something completely creepy under a girl’s Facebook photo, maybe it WON’T be creepy if I end it with ‘lol.'”
-guy logic