Me: (talking to anyone)
Largest and darkest hair in my nose: I WANT TO SAY HI TOO!
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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The KKK was started by some dork who wanted to wear robes and call himself a wizard and his dad was like “Ok but only if you’re racist too.”
with absolutely zero exaggeration I think I can say that this is the funniest thing I have ever seen
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Wish there was a pill I could put in a girl’s drink, that would make her do my taxes.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
“If I write something completely creepy under a girl’s Facebook photo, maybe it WON’T be creepy if I end it with ‘lol.'”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.