Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
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yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
[speed dating]
Her: So, what do you do to unwind?
Mummy: I avoid that at all costs.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
A dead goose is called a ghoost
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.