@JohnLyonTweets

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

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@ItsAndyRyan

Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy

@TheTimmyToes

[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!

@TheToddWilliams

[cat clinic]
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*

@goldengateblond

Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit

@just1fool

Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.

Sorry.

@blood_orphan

3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider

@SinfulShelly

I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.

“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.