A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
You Might Also Like
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
Do one person every day that scares you.
CAT: I have insomnia
DR. CAT: How bad is it?
CAT: I haven’t slept in 20 minutes
DR. CAT: *is napping*
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.