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20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives


Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”


Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky


Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot


Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”


Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.


There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”


Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.


Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy


[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought