Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
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I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
God is on our side because we invented him. And if he wavers we’ll invent another one.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
So there I was standing in an art gallery quietly appreciating the work when my ex noticed me at a display and decided to approach.
She said “I suppose you like this hideous monstrosity?”
And I said, “That’s a mirror”.
Which was nice.
I don’t really argue with people. They just all end up washing ashore miles away under mysterious circumstances.
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN