@PaulyPeligroso

Movie Idea:

Lohan.

Bynes.

Statham.

DEATH RACE 2

You Might Also Like

@grievre

20 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try ecstasy
30 yr old me: dude holy shit you have to try using properly sharpened kitchen knives

@Henry_3k

Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job

Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky

@fro_vo

Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot

@PattyArquette

Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”

@gkaluma

Why are government cars always in a hurry!! That sense of urgency is not reflected anywhere in their official duties.

@Sean_Burgundy_

There’s nothing worse than when you tell someone it’s a long story and they reply with “I have time.”

@djdarrellripley

Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.

Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.

@kbnoswag

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

@david8hughes

[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought