everyone smokes a bunch now and wants to die and has detailed opinions about art and it felt cool and interesting until I realized we’re just Becoming France
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Just saw the first duckface of Spring.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
When I die I want my tombstone to say free WiFi so people will visit more often. I will also name the network “HELP, I’M STILL ALIVE!”
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee
BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
if i were a dinosaur id be a chicken nugget
“I’ll be black” the potato dramatically announced moments before going into Sarah Connor’s freezer