Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Remember when the internet didn’t exist and we kept all this stupidness in our heads?
Good times.
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
moth *repeatedly bashing itself against my computer monitor*
me: it’s not a touchscreen you have to use the mouse
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.