Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

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This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I’m invading its privacy.


Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure


[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*


Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired


Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.


The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.


[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*



I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.


Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!


Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.