@Jake_Vig

Movie Law:

All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”

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@LoneWolfStories

This stray cat on my balcony is looking at me like I’m invading its privacy.

@fro_vo

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

@SimplySnaccbar

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

@Marlebean

Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens

… I think my cough medicine expired

@JVarsityCaptain

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

@sofarrsogud

The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.

@crunchenhanced

[In cubicle at work]

*pretends to start clipping my nails*

*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*

CW: WTF!

@SondraDeeMe

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

@chelliet22

Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!

@karanbirtinna

Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.