Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
Twitter: Ed Asner died
Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor
T: Betty White is trending
Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!
T: She’s fine
Me: Why would you do that?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.