Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.

Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too

North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands

Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.

Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?

Today’s affirmation:

I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.

A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.

Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.

Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.

My sister’s birthday cake 🤣

My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.

Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around

Yo. I spit out my drink 😂

Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.

You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on

this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections

Server: Have you dined before?

Me: Have I d- like in general?

Server:

Me: Yeah. Yes.

Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.

Lost my job as a bus driver.

I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible

if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius