@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

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@lloydrang

“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.

@mortimermaiden

Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.

@wolfpupy

aliens took me up to on their ship but i have no time for that drama so i just jumped out

@80sjams

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

@daemonic3

Why you on this flight to LA?

“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”

What’s it called?

“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”

@murrman5

[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?

@ErikGators

Why does my wife think its weird I talk to a bunch of strangers on the Internet, but it’s ok for her to talk to multiple cats.

@PortRooster

Due to a tragic “iTunes on shuffle” incident, I have had to convince the guys at work that I have a 12yr old daughter they have never met…

@GrantTanaka

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it