My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
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“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.
*shows up at your door with my dress up over my head
Help me…I’m stuck.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*