[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible

You Might Also Like


My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.


“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.


Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days


If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.


Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.


[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight


*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*