@dafloydsta

[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO

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@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@SouthernCharmSD

“Oh wow, that’s a lot of dishes to ignore,” I say to myself as I walk past the sink.

@kidnapped_jesus

Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories

Me: Maybe you should start counting your days

@ClaytonSykes

If you’re gonna offer free milk for coffee at a convenience store, don’t get all weird when I bring in a dry bowl of cereal.

@JoePetroske

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@SharkJelly

*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*