When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.
[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
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“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!
Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.
– Snow globe, the story.
Judge: Good news, I’m reducing your sentence
Me: That’s gr
Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…
It’s not important how I know that…
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.