*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
*worm wiggles away*
[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
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“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
FACEBOOK IS ABSOLUTELY INSANE
Had sex with my nephew’s English teacher. Texted her the next day “Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!” so I don’t have to see her again.
My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there’s no reason for me to be on antidepressants.