@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

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@TheTweetOfGod

When you walk through the valley of the shadow of death, it means you’ve been using Apple Maps.

@Fred_Delicious

“Members of the jury, how do u find the defendant?”
“we… can’t find him at all”
“DAMMIT THIS IS THE 3RD MURDER WALDO HAS GOTTEN AWAY WITH”

@DiamondLou69

Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.

@amishschool

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

@DrakeGatsby

Host: Congratulations! You won the hot dog eating contest!

Me: *mouth full, sitting off to the side of the stage* The what?

@Carbosly

WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.

– Snow globe, the story.

@archerenemy

Asking a redhead if you can see her pumpkin patch will get you slapped…

It’s not important how I know that…

@NickAmadeus

I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.