Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
[Movie pitch in Hollywood]
A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose
You Might Also Like
My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.
My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]
Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
[Check engine light comes on]
Me: *pops hood – checks on engine* well you look great buddy but today did suck, let’s just see if you’re feeling better tomorrow.