@StinkyGr33n

[Movie pitch in Hollywood]

A mythical creature who likes to dance moves to a small town where dancing’s illegal. We’ll call it BigfootLoose

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@flashember

*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*

@Brampersandon_

“Sir u have a hernia”
“Haha c’mon doc don’t u mean a HISnea?”
“No I meant hern-”
“Im obviously a guy. How did u even get a medical license?”

@jctwritesstuff

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!

@Kali_Mura

Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.

Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.

@LousyBastard

Had sex with my nephew’s English teacher. Texted her the next day “Last nite was grate. Your so awsome!” so I don’t have to see her again.

@Freudianscript

My therapist told me that if ignorance is bliss, there’s no reason for me to be on antidepressants.