[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
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*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
[First Date]
Her: Sorry, but your profile pic was misleading.
Oatmeal Raisin Cookie: I never *said* this was chocolate. You just *assumed*
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house.
Friend: why?
Me: That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene.
Friend: (backing away slowly) sounds well thought out.
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
my biggest fear is waking up and being in the renaissance era or something. imagine having the knowledge of hotdogs but lacking the tools to make them
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors