I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
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Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers