@Reverend_Scott

[movie studio in the 2010s]

“This script stars The Rock as-”

Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT

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@NikiWithIssues

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.

@shariv67

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

@meganamram

Such a double standard that when a guy sleeps with a ton of people he’s “cool,” but when I do I’m “lying”

@BlackJerms

I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great

@_Tempo11

Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.

@WheelTod

Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done

[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?

@WillHinsa

My new years resolution is to stop biting my toenails. Nervous habit I picked up during all these meetings at work.

@ericsshadow

One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.

@prufrockluvsong

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers