*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
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[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Total shocker that you actually have to pay for things when you get to the register. Go ahead and dump your purse on the counter. We’ll wait
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
“How’s your day going?”
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
If I ever go missing I want my picture on a 40 oz beer rather than a milk carton, because I want fun people to find me.